Day 81: How It Is Right Now

OK - I'm going to let off a little steam right now by freaking out about the fact that Team BADASS is finishing this thing in NINE days (how is that POSSIBLE?!??) and I still feel like I have a bunch more work to do to reach my personal peak condition. I know, I KNOW! It's not like we're going to turn into a wax museum version of ourselves on Day 90, forever stuck at whatever point we're at on that day. I KNOW it's not about the 90 days! Believe me, I plan on keeping this thing going, in some form or other, for years to come. However - there have been moments during this past week where VANITY has reared it's ugly head and pointed out all the places on my body that still need work.

Here's what VANITY has been talking about: a)Back and shoulders = WEAK. Pull-ups still totally suck and I hate them for making me feel so...weak. b)Hips and butt = still rockin' some layers of fat. Might be some muscles under there somewhere, but they have yet to make themselves known. c)My old "friend" Melvin - ha! Still hanging around - yes, literally hanging from my body like an old balloon that's lost it's air. Can't imagine him ever leaving for good.

AHHHHHHHHHH!

Ok, deep breaths. Had to get all that off my chest. Yes, these nagging thoughts (thanks, VANITY!) have been bugging me - HOWEVER. They happen sporadically, popping up from time to time in the midst of what is becoming my "new normal", to quote Haley. The new normal keeps evolving, but so far, it's characterized by increased energy, steadiness of mind and heart, equanimity, and commitment to health. The daily diet and exercise is, yes, still "required", but it has also become a given. I know, upon waking, that I will get up and jump rope. I know that I will fit in the rest of the workout at some point throughout the day - it's a given. I know that I will make sure I eat what I need to eat in order to sustain myself. Right now, that means hitting the grams. In the future, it will be a little trickier, but I know my experience of food has already shifted so much that I can't see myself going back to where I once was. I can feel the benefits of all my hard work manifesting throughout my days - and mostly, I can take the long view when it comes to my physical body. Especially after a day like yesterday, when everything comes into focus. All my rants, all my worries, all my obsessions...they are so irrelevant in the grand scheme of things. Life is short! Why create unnecessary pain??

...Aaaaaaaannnndddd the next morning I have to face the dreaded pull-ups all over again. I curse, I rant, I feel completely defeated, I cry. I might even slam a door. And then I do the rest of the workout. When I finish, I eat. Somewhere in there, I am reminded that getting my undies in a bundle is part of the human condition. This reminds me to breathe. I turn on some music in the kitchen and suddenly my kids are laughing at me while I "shake my butt". Which reminds me that my butt is good for shaking. More laughter and dancing ensues.

That's just how it is right now.