CanNOT believe we're at Day 50 already! Where has the time gone???
Today was another freakin' emotional day. These workouts are bringing me to tears, kids. I dunno, I suppose it's one way of letting out some stress. It's almost like Pavlov's dogs at this point - exercises get hard, tearducts activate.
What's it all about? I feel kinda beaten down by the last few days. It's somewhat complicated to be sharing vacation space, to negotiate all the details of the day with another family, and then to try to work in my PCP responsibilities on top of that. I end up feeling resentful - resentful of the PCP for making me think and plan while on vacation, resentful of the vacation itself. I know that I purposefully signed up for both things, knowing that they would coincide - and I trust that it will all work itself out. But today, I was not at my best.
It's super busy at the house. Kids everywhere, dogs underfoot, adults with different agendas. I started my workout in the early evening while everyone was out at the beach (thank GOD Dan arrived this afternoon, so it was possible for me to stay behind). Halfway through, everyone returned, just as I was sweating it out and fighting tears up on the roof deck. I tried to ignore all the goings on for a few more sets, then decided to take a break, help with the kids, and finish up later. I came down to find Milo trying to rinse himself with the outdoor hose. I asked him to go get in the shower instead. He looked at me, yelled NO and literally turned the hose on me. Classic. I had such a knee-jerk reaction to this - I yelled back, ran back up to the roof deck, and dissolved into tears like a 5 year old. At this point, I thought, I'm actually going insane! I'm losing control of my faculties!
Over the course of the next half hour, I also yelled at my daughter, yelled at the dog, stomped around the house menacingly, and then finally went on to finish the workout. I'm sure I scared the rest of the crew - I certainly scared myself. When I finished the abs, I took some extra time to stretch and breath up on the roof deck...and when I re-entered the house, feeling a little more calm, the kids and Dan were all fine and happy, as if nothing untoward had happened. But it did happen and I feel badly about it. When PCP meets life, it's not all wine and roses.
To add to all the drama, I'm feeling like it's near to impossible to achieve a focused workout here. Yes, I know, I'm a little type A - I like to tick things off in perfect succession. So far, I've had to be quite "creative" with time and space to fit everything in - it all happens, just not when I want it to. And I do miss the endorphin rush which, as Grace mentioned, comes with doing everything from start to finish. I want to kick this program in the ass, but right now it feels like the other way around.
Annnnnd, another thing. My diet has shifted to include quite a bit more food suddenly. No more apple and egg whites for dinner - and just as I was beginning to appreciate the simplicity of that meal! Now I have an egg and milk after working out, bigger snacks, AMAYW veggies for lunch AND dinner, protein at all three meals. Hey - I'm not complaining, as I'm definitely not so hungry anymore! But it's an adjustment that, coupled with the lack of focused workouts, has left me feeling soft and blobby in my body again. I know, I know, our bodies are constantly shifting and changing - this feeling will definitely go away. Maybe it's also PMS?
OK - rant over. An upswing is right around the corner, right?
Thinking of all you PCP'ers right now - thankful that you're out there!
yikes! sometimes you need a vacation from your vacation. Isn't it funny when you come to the realization that we chose to do this to ourselves?
ReplyDeletehang in there sistah! it will be worth it in the end but I totally understand. right now, it's just a wee bit tough to see the forest for the trees.
upswing will probably happen JUST as vacation ends and you have to go home. typical!
ReplyDeletebut, i am finding there is a lot to be said for HOME and ROUTINE. im loving it and appreciating it so much more during PCP. i´m glad i have said no to more travel in the next few weeks.
home sweet home baby. but enjoy the island while you can :) (it is an island, right?)
You've got it. If everyone was happy when you came back down, let the guilt go. I think guilt is such a major motivator for people (and especially women) to treat ourselves poorly. Don't let it get you! Is there a gorgeous view from the roof deck? Does it help?
ReplyDeleteAh, Sarah, isn't it unfortunate that everything can't be wine & roses? :) I don't have children, but when I'm having bad days, I find that I'm a lot less patient with my cats and it makes me feel SOOO guilty. Kim's right, though. Let go of guilt. It happened, can't take it back. You are a normal human, with normal emotions and as far as I'm concerned, crying is healthy to a certain extent. Emotions build, you release.
ReplyDeleteAnd, I promise, it gets better! I almost feel like PCP is so much a part of my life now that I don't even really have to think about it anymore. It just happens. I have a feeling you will reach that point, too. xo!!
An upswing is definitely around the corner, even if it's just in the form of being back in your own house with your normal schedule.
ReplyDeleteUrgh, the kids just know how to push your buttons, don't they? Mine sure does, and she's only 2. And part of you knows you should take the "high road" but another part of you is just SICK OF THIS. I feel you, sister. I do.
ReplyDeleteWhat I'm seeing in everybody in your group now is this sense of "tired of doing all this work and having to think about everything I eat and cram in a workout every day." Yep, been there. Still just a little bit there. But it will get better. It might not seem like it now, but it will. :)