Right before I started PCP, I bought a fancy new scale that tells me not only my weight, but also body fat %. I've been checking the scale randomly for my weight since we started. Haven't had a huge drop in lbs, no biggie. But yesterday I decided to check the body fat % for the first time. The stats:
Day 1, weight 117 lbs, body fat 24.3%
Day 64, weight 110 lbs, body fat 18.8%
So that's a 5.5% drop. Pretty respectable, eh? I'm happy to see the change in numbers that I've been feeling in my body. New muscles, less fat, yay!
However, and this may be TMI, I've also been experiencing a concurrent drop in sex drive. Pretty much since the beginning of this project. This is not necessarily a new issue for me - I've struggled on and off with keeping the spark alive over the years. It's probably a combination of hormones and mental/emotional blocks that seem to pop up from time to time. I do think my lack of sex drive is being exacerbated by the PCP. When I commit to a project, I become completely focused/obsessed with it. I'm sorta all-PCP-all-the-time, to a fault. Dan, when he reads this, will definitely be nodding his head.
Not to mention all the changes I'm experiencing on a physical level. On the one hand, I'm very proud of all the progress I've made in my body. I like what I see, but even more, I love how I feel - super strong and healthier than I've probably ever been. But - here's the weird part: this new, improved body is kinda freaking me out. I'm SO not used to having these muscles. Seriously. This morning I was working out on the deck, doing bicep curls, and I decided to face the windows instead of the backyard. I watched these crazy biceps in the reflection of the window and they just didn't feel like mine. My mind went into a daydream about showing up for a yoga class at the "power yoga" studio where I rarely go (power yoga is usually not my thing) and what kind of assumptions might be made of me merely for how defined my body is becoming. Am I really ready to step out into the world as a super-fit, muscle-lady who "works out"?
I don't know - I'm just not owning it all yet. I think these conflicted feelings about my body and my appearance are affecting my ability to relax and just be myself, even with my poor husband. The flip side is that I know from past experience that once I can be honest with myself and with Dan about how I'm truly feeling, things will shift. The other day, he asked me, "Have other people on the PCP lost their sex drive?" For both of our sakes, I hope we can turn things around (though blogging it out is probably not the solution Dan had in mind... ;)
Sarah a very brave and open post, I have a question for you, what image of yourself in your mind did you have before starting PCP? I think that might effect the image you see today. what s your internal image of yourself? this is not effected by what you look today, before PCP and after...the closer you are to that image, that true you the easier it will be.
ReplyDeleteIt might be that this conflict, let alone the attention you put into PCP will take its price on intimacy, I know mine did to some extent, but not as much as what you describe (but I think it may be a guy thing...:-))
When you will be balanced with yourself you can increase the attention to what and who is around you.
I am sure you have it in Yoga, as We have it in Aikido, when you are balanced it is easy to take someone else balance (or do a Yoga asana), once you are balanced with yourself, you can spark it again.
I appreciate your honesty, and proud of being with you on the same team.
Sara, I relate to your feelings. I didn't necessarily have a drop in my sex drive. Who knows really since I get laid so irregularly? But, my muscly body freaked me out for awhile. It was weird to see muscles instead of curves when I was with my man. I wondered how he thought about it, but when we both realized that I was more "bendy" and had more stamina, it all became kinda hot. Ha! Talk about TMI!
ReplyDeleteNow, I find my ab muscles turn me on a bit, but it took some time. Be patient with yourself.
On the whole TMI theme, I've been in this situation from the other side (but I think the gender dynamics were easier because so many of our "hot" media men examples have bulging muscles). When my husband got dramatically more muscled, it was like having a different person next to me. Me taking a few moments to appreciate the new muscles--touching, praising--helped to get us warmed up and also to get familiar with the changes. Maybe he could take a few minutes to tell (and show) you what he likes most about your new bod?
ReplyDeleteSarah, i think this is totally normal PCP reaction behavior!
ReplyDeleteI am single, so my situation is COMPLETELY different (and in fact my sex drive increased during the pcp, esp around the day 60's time), but I totally relate to the feeling of being a bit alienated from your body because of the dramatic changes. I think that, if you'd been with your partner before pcp, this might freak things out a little bit. so, i think it's pretty normal that you wouldn't necessarily jump at the idea of using your new awkward (but awesome) body in that very visible, vulnerable way quite yet. give it a little time and i think once you're more comfortable --and feel more ownership over your own bod-- things will get to a good place.
While I'm not yet a super muscle mama like you are, but I've been a little freaked out by the changes that I can see. It's not really manifesting in a reduced sex drive, but instead in a weird insecurity. I've lost these curves that I've had for so long that sortof defined my womanliness in my head, especially my butt. When I started, I had a GREAT butt. It was a little big, but nice and round and people found it attractive, one person in particular. Now that I've lost a lot of that butt, I find myself worrying that Jordan doesn't think it's nice anymore or doesn't find me sexy anymore and on and on and on like that. And even if my butt is still ok, you can't see it in any of my pants so how is anyone going to know that I have a nice butt. ah!
ReplyDeleteI think we just need to take some time to settle into our new bodies. This is the most dramatically my body has changed, probably ever but certainly since puberty. For you it's probably the most dramatic change since you were last pregnant. Be kind and take it slow. Maybe now is not the time to start doing power yoga. Maybe that time is in two months when you're totally comfortable with your muscles and the way your body looks when you're moving.
Thanks, everyone, for your comments - it's very helpful to know that I'm not the only one who is shocked/bowled over/freaked out by how much change is happening in the bod. Having patience with myself, taking it slow - that's just what I needed to hear. And YES this is definitely the most dramatic physical change since I was pregnant - it's just so wacky to see myself getting to a level of fitness that I never, ever thought I'd see again after having kids. When I am able to embrace these changes - LOOK OUTTTT!!! I'm getting there....
ReplyDeleteHaley - your butt is still great. You just need some tighter pants to show it off!!
The way I see it, you have a mold of how your body looks when it is lean, clean and strong that is encoded into your DNA. One of the most interesting things you can do with your life is to fill out that mold and live as you were intended to look. Embracing your body as a powerful, elegant machine that you can do anything with.
ReplyDeleteI've heard different reports on the sex drive. I think it's more to do with taking on any major project like this that intrudes on your mental and physical space every day for three months. It'll get better and your body will settle down a lot.
Also remember very few people will see you at full "pump" like you saw in the window. When you walk around without a pump you'll look healthy and fit, not freakishly muscled.